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By
kind permission of Trevor Nunn at
Public
Service Ombudsman Watchers
More
jokes will be added as soon as possible
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Ombudsman, Council, PATAS, NPAS, PCA, PCCI or other quasi
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How
many Local Government Ombudsmen does it take to change a Council
owned light bulb?
Hear
no evil
Spin
cycle
Guess
who got the job?
Baby
Ombudsmen
An
accurate observation
What
do you call an impartial, open and honest person at an
Ombudsman's convention?
Ombudsmen
hell
What's
the problem with jokes about Local Government Ombudsmen?
How
can you tell when a Local Government Ombudsman is spinning a
line?
Why
is a Doctor held in much higher esteem than an Ombudsman?
The
brass Ombudsman
Ombudsmen
and delays
Arguing
with an Ombudsman
Ombudsman's
statistics
Lesser
of two evils
Oily
rag
Monkey
Ombudsman
Operation
Ombudsman
Ombudsman
clocking off
Ombudsman
chocolate
Ombudsman
from hell
What's
the difference between an ombudsman and a kebab?
Ombudsman's
internal memo
Anagram
Jokes
How
many Local Government Ombudsmen does it take to change a Council
owned light bulb?
The
question is irrelevant, Local Government Ombudsmen would never
admit that a Council owned light bulb was at fault!
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Hear
no evil
A
Local Government Ombudsman was walking through a Council owned
forest alone. A tree fell right in front of them......they
didn't hear it.
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Spin
cycle?
Local
Government Ombudsman to Council Chief Executive Officer: "Now
I've cleared your Council of maladministration, tell me, did you
actually do it?"
Chief Executive Officer: "After
hearing your amazing spin, even I'm beginning to think we
didn't."
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Guess
who got the job?
A
selection committee was selecting a new Local Government
Ombudsman. They had narrowed the candidates down to a Solicitor,
a Barrister and a Council Chief Executive Officer. Each was
asked this question during their interview: "What is
maladministration?" The Solicitor answered immediately,
"faulty administration" The Barrister thought for
several minutes and finally answered, "a fault in the
process of taking a decision" Finally the Council CEO stood
up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the
committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed,
conspiratorial tone, he replied, "what do you want it to
be?"
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Baby
Ombudsmen
Nappies
and Ombudsmen need to be changed frequently for much the same
reason.
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An
accurate observation?
A
lot has been said about Local Government Ombudsmen; some of it
complimentary, but most of it accurate.
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What
do you call an impartial, open and honest person at an
Ombudsman's convention?
An
intruder
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Ombudsmen
hell
John
passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with the
arrangements, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to complain to an Ombudsman. John immediately
advised St. Peter that he intended to complain to an Ombudsman
but was immediately informed that it would be at least three
years before his complaint would be looked at. John protested
that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, his words
fell on deaf ears. John was then approached by Satan, who told
him that he would be able to arrange for his complaint to be
handled in just a few days, but only if John agreed to move to
Hell. When John inquired why complaints could be handled so much
faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, "Who do you
think has all the Ombudsmen!"
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What's
the problem with jokes about Local Government Ombudsmen?
Local
Government Ombudsmen don't think they are funny whilst other
people don't think they are jokes.
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How
can you tell when a Local Government Ombudsman is spinning a
line?
Their
lips are moving.?
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Why
is a Doctor held in much higher esteem than an Ombudsman?
A
Doctor makes an analysis of an appalling illness whereas an
Ombudsman makes you ill with a appalling analysis!
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The
brass Ombudsman
A
man walked into a junk shop and looked around. After a while, he
saw a brass rat and decided to buy it. The shop keeper said,
that will be £5 for the brass rat and £1,000 for the
story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just have the
brass rat, forget about the story.' The man purchased the brass
rat and left the shop. As he was walking down the street, he
started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he
walked the more rats followed. He walked down to the canal and
still more rats came out and followed him. So, he threw the
brass rat into the canal and all the rats followed it and
drowned. He returned to the shop where he purchased the brass
rat, and when he walked in, the shop keeper said, 'Ah ha! You
came back to pay the £1,000 for the story, right?' 'No,'
replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass
Ombudsmen.
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Ombudsmen
and delays
A
bad Ombudsman can let a case drag out for several years. A good
ombudsman can make it last even longer.
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Arguing
with an Ombudsman
Arguing
with an Ombudsman is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a
while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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Ombudsman's
statistics
Ombudsmen's
statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive,
but what they conceal is vital.
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Lesser
of two evils
Ombudsman:
'The complainant alleges that you harassed and intimidated them,
do you know what the penalties are for
maladministration?'
Council Chief Executive Officer: 'Yes, I
do. They're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for
harassment and intimidation.'
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Oily
rag
Council
Chief Executive responding to an Ombudsman, 'If I want your
opinion, I'll give it to you'.
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Monkey
Ombudsman
A
man walked into a pet shop and looked at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper, "I'll have an Ombudsman's investigator monkey
please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage full of
monkeys and took out a monkey saying, "That'll be £5,000
." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the man went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That
was a very expensive monkey. Most are only a few hundred pounds.
Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered,
"Ah, that monkey can find ways of terminating a complaint
that you wouldn't even dream of and is well worth the money."
The man looked at a monkey in another cage. "that one’s
even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh,
it's an Assistant Ombudsman monkey; it answers all complainant’s
queries, comes up with perverse excuses, spins a line and can
collude with Council’s Solicitor monkeys. All the really
useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The man saw another
monkey. "this one’s even more expensive! £15,000!
What does this one do?" "Oh, that’s a Deputy
Ombudsman monkey; it runs the Local Government Ombudsman’s
internal complaints procedure ensuring that all complaints are
squashed, it constantly develops new procedures for stuffing
complaints and can fiddle statistics like no other monkey can.
All the really difficult stuff," said the shopkeeper. The
man looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey
all by itself in a cage of its own, eating a banana. The price
tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the
shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper
replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything yet,
but it says it's an Ombudsman."
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Operation
Ombudsman
Four
surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate
on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is
numbered. The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you
should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
But the fourth surgeon shouted, "You're all wrong.
Ombudsmen are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
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Ombudsman
clocking off
A
man dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not
very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?" The
man thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading
room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE
room full of clocks. "What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he
has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person
dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks
this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going
faster than others. He asks why that is. "Every time a
living person ignores injustice, it speeds up his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the
ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning round at an
unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's an
Ombudsman's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.
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Ombudsman
chocolate
A
confectionery company is going to dedicate a their latest
chocolate bar to Ombudsmen. Apparently they guarantee it will
make you sick.
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Ombudsman
from hell
A
man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the
devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he
saw a man he recognized as an ombudsman snuggling up to a
beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for
all eternity, and that ombudsman gets to spend it with a
beautiful woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man
with his pitchfork.' Who are you to question that woman's
punishment?
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What's
the difference between an ombudsman and a kebab?
(A)
One should be skewered and left over flames, the other is a
tasty meal.
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Ombudsman's
internal memo
We
have carried out an internal review of staff fitness and
discovered that this organisation requires no physical fitness
program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to hasty
conclusions, burying maladministration, running away from
reality, sucking up to those in authority, pushing their luck
and fiddling statistics. As a result we will not be insisting
that staff enrol on a physical fitness program.
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Anagram
An
anagram of Ombudsman is Dumb Mason
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More jokes will be added as
soon as possible
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