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Logic Law


A new section on Logic Law on jokes for each quasi judicial body whose function is to deliver Quasi but not Judicial.

By kind permission of Trevor Nunn at Public Service Ombudsman Watchers

More jokes will be added as soon as possible

Email us your Ombudsman, Council, PATAS, NPAS, PCA, PCCI or other quasi judicial body joke if you would like it added to the list.




Click on a joke

  1. How many Local Government Ombudsmen does it take to change a Council owned light bulb?

  2. Hear no evil

  3. Spin cycle

  4. Guess who got the job?

  5. Baby Ombudsmen

  6. An accurate observation

  7. What do you call an impartial, open and honest person at an Ombudsman's convention?

  8. Ombudsmen hell

  9. What's the problem with jokes about Local Government Ombudsmen?

  10. How can you tell when a Local Government Ombudsman is spinning a line?

  11. Why is a Doctor held in much higher esteem than an Ombudsman?

  12. The brass Ombudsman

  13. Ombudsmen and delays

  14. Arguing with an Ombudsman

  15. Ombudsman's statistics

  16. Lesser of two evils

  17. Oily rag

  18. Monkey Ombudsman

  19. Operation Ombudsman

  20. Ombudsman clocking off

  21. Ombudsman chocolate

  22. Ombudsman from hell

  23. What's the difference between an ombudsman and a kebab?

  24. Ombudsman's internal memo

  25. Anagram

Jokes

  1. How many Local Government Ombudsmen does it take to change a Council owned light bulb?

  2. The question is irrelevant, Local Government Ombudsmen would never admit that a Council owned light bulb was at fault!

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  1. Hear no evil

  2. A Local Government Ombudsman was walking through a Council owned forest alone. A tree fell right in front of them......they didn't hear it.

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  1. Spin cycle?

  2. Local Government Ombudsman to Council Chief Executive Officer: "Now I've cleared your Council of maladministration, tell me, did you actually do it?"
    Chief Executive Officer: "After hearing your amazing spin, even I'm beginning to think we didn't."

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  1. Guess who got the job?

  2. A selection committee was selecting a new Local Government Ombudsman. They had narrowed the candidates down to a Solicitor, a Barrister and a Council Chief Executive Officer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "What is maladministration?" The Solicitor answered immediately, "faulty administration" The Barrister thought for several minutes and finally answered, "a fault in the process of taking a decision" Finally the Council CEO stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "what do you want it to be?"

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  1. Baby Ombudsmen

  2. Nappies and Ombudsmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

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  1. An accurate observation?

  2. A lot has been said about Local Government Ombudsmen; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.

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  1. What do you call an impartial, open and honest person at an Ombudsman's convention?

  2. An intruder

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  1. Ombudsmen hell

  2. John passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with the arrangements, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to complain to an Ombudsman. John immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to complain to an Ombudsman but was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his complaint would be looked at. John protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, his words fell on deaf ears. John was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange for his complaint to be handled in just a few days, but only if John agreed to move to Hell. When John inquired why complaints could be handled so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, "Who do you think has all the Ombudsmen!"

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  1. What's the problem with jokes about Local Government Ombudsmen?

  2. Local Government Ombudsmen don't think they are funny whilst other people don't think they are jokes.

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  1. How can you tell when a Local Government Ombudsman is spinning a line?

  2. Their lips are moving.?

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  1. Why is a Doctor held in much higher esteem than an Ombudsman?

  2. A Doctor makes an analysis of an appalling illness whereas an Ombudsman makes you ill with a appalling analysis!

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  1. The brass Ombudsman

  2. A man walked into a junk shop and looked around. After a while, he saw a brass rat and decided to buy it. The shop keeper said, that will be £5 for the brass rat and £1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just have the brass rat, forget about the story.' The man purchased the brass rat and left the shop. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked the more rats followed. He walked down to the canal and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he threw the brass rat into the canal and all the rats followed it and drowned. He returned to the shop where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the shop keeper said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the £1,000 for the story, right?' 'No,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass Ombudsmen.

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  1. Ombudsmen and delays

  2. A bad Ombudsman can let a case drag out for several years. A good ombudsman can make it last even longer.

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  1. Arguing with an Ombudsman

  2. Arguing with an Ombudsman is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

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  1. Ombudsman's statistics

  2. Ombudsmen's statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

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  1. Lesser of two evils

  2. Ombudsman: 'The complainant alleges that you harassed and intimidated them, do you know what the penalties are for maladministration?'
    Council Chief Executive Officer: 'Yes, I do. They're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for harassment and intimidation.'

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  1. Oily rag

  2. Council Chief Executive responding to an Ombudsman, 'If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you'.

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  1. Monkey Ombudsman

  2. A man walked into a pet shop and looked at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an Ombudsman's investigator monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage full of monkeys and took out a monkey saying, "That'll be £5,000 ." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the man went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can find ways of terminating a complaint that you wouldn't even dream of and is well worth the money." The man looked at a monkey in another cage. "that one’s even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, it's an Assistant Ombudsman monkey; it answers all complainant’s queries, comes up with perverse excuses, spins a line and can collude with Council’s Solicitor monkeys. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The man saw another monkey. "this one’s even more expensive! £15,000! What does this one do?" "Oh, that’s a Deputy Ombudsman monkey; it runs the Local Government Ombudsman’s internal complaints procedure ensuring that all complaints are squashed, it constantly develops new procedures for stuffing complaints and can fiddle statistics like no other monkey can. All the really difficult stuff," said the shopkeeper. The man looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey all by itself in a cage of its own, eating a banana. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's an Ombudsman."

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  1. Operation Ombudsman

  2. Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered. The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." But the fourth surgeon shouted, "You're all wrong. Ombudsmen are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

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  1. Ombudsman clocking off

  2. A man dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?" The man thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks. "What's up with those clocks, Peter?" "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is. "Every time a living person ignores injustice, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning round at an unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's an Ombudsman's clock. We decided to use it as a fan.

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  1. Ombudsman chocolate

  2. A confectionery company is going to dedicate a their latest chocolate bar to Ombudsmen. Apparently they guarantee it will make you sick.

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  1. Ombudsman from hell

  2. A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as an ombudsman snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that ombudsman gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.' Who are you to question that woman's punishment?

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  1. What's the difference between an ombudsman and a kebab?

  2. (A) One should be skewered and left over flames, the other is a tasty meal.

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  1. Ombudsman's internal memo

  2. We have carried out an internal review of staff fitness and discovered that this organisation requires no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to hasty conclusions, burying maladministration, running away from reality, sucking up to those in authority, pushing their luck and fiddling statistics. As a result we will not be insisting that staff enrol on a physical fitness program.

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  1. Anagram

  2. An anagram of Ombudsman is Dumb Mason

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  4. More jokes will be added as soon as possible